Matty's Movies: "47 Ronin"

What an amazing year it's been at the movies. We've been littered with all types of films this year. We've had some great movies (Blue is the Warmest Color), and some not so great movies (Anchorman 2). We've had laughter (We're the Miller's) and we've had pain (12 Years a Slave). We've had underrated films (Spring Breakers) and we've also had overrated duds. (The Lone Ranger).

And let's not forget that we also had "Sharknado". Yeah that's right, that wretched display of a film actually played in theatres for one night. (And I'm the idiot that went and saw it.)

I could talk about all of this year's releases for days on end, but I won't today. I'll save that article for my upcoming movie awards column, "The Matty's".

Nope, today we're going to review a movie. And it's my choice. A sort of pot-luck of what I have seen in the past week. You see, on Christmas morning I had tallied up my movie total for the year and I was at 90 films. I needed ten movies to hit the coveted century mark. And I was going to do it. So in the past seven days I've seen, The Wolf of Wall Street, American Hustle, Her, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Grudge Match, Lone Survivor, Saving Mr. Banks, Mandela, Frozen, and 47 Ronin. Nine out of these ten movies were very good to great. Guess which one wasn't.

Today I'm going to be reviewing the movie "47 Ronin".

Yeah, so what, I want to review "47 Ronin". I got a few things I want to say about it.

Hmmm, what do I do now? Do I tell you about the movie, or do I tell you what I thought of the movie?

Alright, brief synopsis. A Samurai is kicked out of the National Samurai League for doing something wrong, so a band of other younger Samurais team up to avenge his death and dishonor. Kai (Keanu Reeves) is what they call a half-breed (I found that to be kind of racist). He is like an adopted son to the disgraced Samurai and he ends up being the leader of the crew known as the "47 Ronin". Kai and his sword-swinging brethren must go defeat the son of the Shogun. (the man, not the bike.)

Yeah, that's basically the gist of it.

I did not know for sure if this was a true story, based on a true story, or a fictional story. But now I can say with confidence that it was a fictional story... although it did start off like it was real. But then all of a sudden girls are transforming into wolves, Kai is fighting the Toxic Avenger, and of course what's a Samurai movie without a dragon? Yep there's a fire-breathing dragon too.

Usually I like this type of movie, but I think I was duped into believing that this was a part of history. Well it wasn't. At least not a history I've ever heard about.

What it was to me though was entertaining. I liked picking out the flaws of the film. I mean, there were parts of the movie that you had to question. Like, why were these 47 Ronins walking hundreds of miles just to find swords? Listen to me on this, Kai and his buddy, we'll call him Samurai Joe had just left a village that had DYNAMITE and GUNS! And lots of them! Why didn't they just grab some guns and some dynamite and go fight the Shogun with those weapons? If you REALLY want to avenge someone's death don't bring swords to a sword fight... bring guns.

You know what was nice? The costumes. The costume designer should get plenty of praise for the outfits in this film. The costume designer's name is Penny Rose, and this is probably the first time her name has ever come up in a movie review. Penny, you did a great job... but I do have one little flaw. There's a scene when Kai is wearing this beautiful costume when all of a sudden I could swear I saw him wearing dungaree slacks under his suit. I think they were Wranglers, and we all know Keanu is "one tough customer", but honestly, I hope he wasn't wearing jeans because I'm positive they didn't have Toughskins back in Samurai times.

And finally, 47 Samurai fall on their swords in this film. To "fall on your sword" is to commit suicide. These men wanted to die "honorable Samurai deaths".... Well good for you! You've died an honorable death here on Earth, but now you're going to Hell for eternity! This is a grave sin! God intended for us to use your lives in a glorious way, so don't go killing yourself or He's gonna be pissed! Really, really pissed! On second thought, don't be going to kill anybody else with your swords either! I'm pretty sure murder is pretty bad sin too.

Ok, I'm going to get off my religious apple-box right now and tell you about the actors.

Keanu Reeves was the lead and he was typical Keanu Reeves. He was pretty much the same in this film as he was in "The Matrix". But I've always liked him and his acting, so he was good. (I do wish he'd do another "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" though.)

There was only one other actor in this film that I recognized, and that was Gedde Watanabe. For any of you who have seen the teen classic film "16 Candles" then you would know this is the man who portrayed the character, Long Duk Dong... And you know what? I could not look at him on screen and not say to myself "No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!".I could actually picture him in my head, riding the excercise bike with his rather large girlfriend on top of him. Yep, Long Duk Dong was surely a character.

And then there were the rest of the actors. Every single one of them were of the Asian persuasion. (Ok, that may sound racist, but it isn't.) As a matter of fact, I stayed until the end and watched the credits (like I always do) and no lie, I could not pronounce one name. But so what, the acting in this film was very good.

So now we get to the most important question of the day: Did Matty W. Kelley like this movie?

I'm not going to lie to you, I kinda did! It was far fetched, the story was weak, and it was riddled with flaws, but so what! I was entertained! I liked it!

If I had to rate this movie on a scale of 1 to 47 Ronins, I would give this movie.... 31 Ronins. (right where it belongs, in the meaty part of the curve.)

Happy New Year Everyone!

Matty W. Kelley, A Seat Apart Productions, reporting.

Fun Fact: The word "sword" is one of my favorite words when said correctly. It's pronounced "swwww-ooord", with extra emphasis on the "W's".

Fun Matty Fact: I like Ninjas better than Samurais.