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Health & Fitness

Scenes From The 1723rd Mayoral Debate, by Jon Regardie, Downtown News

A delighful piece on the many platitudes spoken by our candidates for LA Mayor

DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - Moderator: Good evening children of Los Angeles, and welcome to the 1,723rd mayoral debate of the 2013 election season. I’m your moderator, Sparky Bicuspid, and tonight I’ll ask the same questions you and the candidates have heard hundreds of times before, but in slightly different ways. Throughout this evening’s encounter we’ll pretend once again that we want to stick to the issues, but will secretly hope that the candidates attack each other, because otherwise the 27 reporters from the L.A. Times now covering the race won’t have anything to write about. We’ll begin with opening remarks. Backstage we flipped a councilman in the air and he landed on his tail. That means Controller Wendy Greuel will go first. You have one minute.

       

Greuel: Tom Bradley!

                    

Moderator: Wendy, you have a full minute. Is there anything else you’d like to say?

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Greuel: Tom Bradley! Tom Bradley! Tom Bradley! My consultant John Shallman told me to just keep saying his name and I’ll win.

Moderator: OK. With that we turn to City Councilman Eric Garcetti. You have one minute.

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Garcetti smiles for four seconds, pats himself on the back, then reaches with his left hand into his jacket pocket for a note, which he gives to the moderator.

Moderator: This is unusual. The note says, “Internal polling tells me I’m so far ahead and have so much more money that we’re just trying not to screw up, and thus only answer when we need to. Also, Wendy Greuel is owned by the DWP. My consultant Bill Carrick told me to say that.”

Garcetti grins and nods heartily.

Moderator: Alrighty. The first question is about police and public safety. How will you keep Angelenos safe at a time when there is so much pressure on the LAPD? We’ll start with Eric.

Garcetti: In the last 12 years the 13th District has become the safest district in Los Angeles. I’m a metrics guy, the numbers bear that out and I expect to be held accountable. Before I arrived every building in Hollywood was tagged by graffiti every 93 minutes. I speak English, Spanish, Dutch, Yiddish and Tagalog, and graffiti has decreased by more than 13,000% since 2001. I did that.

Greuel: While my opponent was president of the City Council some people died and gangs did bad things to each other. All of that crime is his fault. All of it. His fault. As mayor, I will hire 4 million new cops, and everyone in the city will also be a police officer. We’ll pay for it by invading San Diego and taking all their gold.

Moderator: Thank you. The next question: Wendy, the union representing DWP employees has spent—

Garcetti (interrupting): Oooooooh, here it comes!

Moderator: Councilman, please, You’ll have your turn. Wendy, the union has spent about a bazillion dollars on your behalf. How will you remain independent as mayor when they want raises?

Greuel: I will bring everyone to the table. Let me repeat: I. Will. Bring. Everyone. To. The. Table. They will all have a seat at the table. We will talk about everything at the table. It is all on the table. Can my opponent bring everyone to the table? No. Does he even have a table? No. My table. Mine. They’ll all be at it. Everything will be on it. My opponent caused the recession and during his time as president of the council everyone in the world grew six years older. That’s his fault.

Garcetti: We’re not going to let one special interest eat the lunch of the people’s interest. My opponent is bought and owned by the DWP. No more Downtown power brokers. Plus, when I was president of the council and the city was facing severe economic shortfalls I personally did a whole bunch of leadership stuff and pension reform thingies to balance the budget. It was tough, but I made those decisions. I did that.

Moderator: Our next topic is business. Eric, despite being president of the council for six years, your opponent has been endorsed by most of the major business groups in the city. The L.A. Area Chamber of Commerce, the Central City Association, that Valley group — they all are backing Wendy. How do you like them apples?

Garcetti: I grew up in a home that was Jewish and Latino, having bagels and menudo — oh, sorry, that’s the answer to another question.

I’m not owned by the special interests. I’m more proud of being endorsed by the Echo Park Alliance of Shoe Repairmen. I’ve worked alongside them for the past 12 years and they have seen me triple the number of parks in the district. I’m also backed by the Atwater Village Guild of Yarn Dispensaries and the Silver Lake Coalition of Overpriced Tchotchke Sellers. I’d much rather have that local backing than be owned by the Downtown power brokers. It provides me independence.

Greuel: I know business because, and I’ve never publicly mentioned this before, my family owns a small construction supply business in the San Fernando Valley. Plus, I worked for Dreamworks and am friends with Steven Spielberg, who made E.T. During my opponent’s time as council president the Lakers went from title contenders to also-rans, and that was bad for business in L.A. That’s his fault.

Moderator: By the power vested in me by the great state of California, our next topic is education. Wendy-roo, whatcha gonna do?

Greuel: Education isn’t political for me, it’s personal. I have a child in an LAUSD school. I’m a concerned parent. I’m a mom and moms are awesome. Really awesome. Eric Garcetti and his family caused the stock market crash of 1929. Magic Johnson has endorsed me. Magic Johnson! Magic Johnson! Magic Johnson!

Garcetti: I’m tired of people demonizing teachers. The United Teachers of Los Angeles has backed me because they know I stand strongly with our hard-working educators. We need to—

Greuel (interrupting): If you love teachers so much then why do you own an oil well near Beverly Hills High School? You don’t have an answer, do you? It’s shooting out benzene and killing all the ducks in Beverly Hills.

Garcetti: Is not.

Greuel: Is too.

Garcetti: Is not.

Moderator: Folks, please. We have a few more questions. I want both of you to talk about an out-of-the-box idea for making Los Angeles great in the future. Give me an example of a big-vision proposal that will really excite Angelenos and convince them to head to the polls on May 21. Wendy, we’ll start with you.

Greuel: [Pause] Hmmm. [Pause] Can I go second? No? OK. [Pause] I’m going to create a lot of jobs and, uh [Pause]. My opponent caused the Irish Potato Famine!

Moderator: Eric, your big idea?

Garcetti: That’s an interesting question, and it’s really a good thing to have this opportunity as Angelenos to have this dialogue on interesting questions and to hold these discussions that can bring our city together. I like good ideas and people can definitely hold me accountable. As mayor we’ll have a lot of interesting discussions concerning interesting questions, and we’ll fix a bunch of streets, more than you can possibly fathom. Like, 20 of them!

Moderator: Thrilling, everyone, thank you. We’re now at closing statements. Wendy started us off, so Eric, you get to go first this time.

Garcetti smiles again and holds it for six seconds. He spins around once quickly, raises his eyebrows, dips his right hand in his pants pocket, pulls out a note and gives it to the moderator.

Moderator: Hmm, again. OK. The note reads: “Nope. Haven’t screwed it up yet. Wendy is owned by the DWP. And bet you a phantom $160 million dollars that she brings up Bill Clinton in her closing remarks.”

Garcetti flashes another smile and does a bit of tap dancing.

Moderator: Your turn Wendy, if you want it.

Greuel: Bill Clinton! He endorsed me! Bill Clinton! Bill Clinton! Bill Clinton!

Contact Jon Regardie at regardie@downtownnews.com.

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